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Jewish Humor

Lost In The Mountains Without Vodka
Three Yidden A Russian An American And An Italian were lost in the Rocky Mountains with only the clothes on their back.

After several days of wondering, wrenching hunger, heat and sleeplessness, Shlomo, the American succeeds at catching a beautiful Golden Rainbow with a rod fashioned from a pine limb, line meticulously unwound from Boris, the Russian's shirt, and a hook fashioned from the necklace worn by Dovid, the Italian.

Shlomo pulls the fish in and the three are salivating in their desire to devour this gift from the creek. The Boris grabs the fish by the tail and is about to whack it on a rock to kill it, when the fish speaks.

"Spare my life and I will give each of you two wishes," the fish says.

Stunned , Shlomo says, "Hah, if you really were a magic fish, I would wish for my wife Rivkah and me to be on a Pesach cruise off San Marina with a million bucks."

POOF! Shlomo is gone with his wife to San Marina with a million bucks.

Dovid and the Boris look at each other in amazement. With only a moment's hesitation, Dovid quickly blurts out, "I would like to visit with the Rebbe and receive a blessing ."

POOF! Dovid is gone.

Boris the Russian is standing alone in the mountains with the golden rainbow in his hands. He thinks for a moment about Russia, the hunger, standing in lines and all the problems then. The thinks about religion and about learning. He thinks, what have I enjoyed most in life? With a smile, Boris says to the fish, "Those were two really great guys. I miss them! Bring them back here and give us a cozy cabin filled with bottles of vodka."

Sabboth and Sex
A non Jew is curious if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. He is not sure if sex is work or play so he asks a priest if having sex on the Sabbath work or play?

The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know of sex?"

He goes to a minister . . . a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sunday.

Not pleased with the replies, he seeks out the ultimate authority...a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.. .A rabbi. The rabbi ponders the question and states, "Sex is definitely play."

The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me that sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

The Atheist And The Sea Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the sea monster one and fifty feet long and seventy-five feet hight. In one easy flip, the monster tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "G-d! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

The Atheist responded "Please G-d, give me a break!!," " two minutes ago I didn't believe in sea monsters either."

A Bed Time Ladle
An elderly priest invited a young priest to his home for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

The elder priest reading his young friends thoughts, he volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, BUT I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later, the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he may have taken it?

"I doubt it," said the elderly priest . . "BUT I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take the silver gravy ladle either but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since your visit for dinner."

Several days later, the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest that read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper either but the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, YOU would have found the silver gravy ladle by now. Sweet dreams!"

Jesus Saves
Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious leaders had also learned software programming. One day, a great contest was held to test their skills. After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event:

The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code. The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew by on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a power faliure ocured....

After a moment, the power genarators restored power just in time for the clock to announce that the last competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse, and a dazzling application appeared on his screen. After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared
Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that Jesus saved.

Jesus is Watching
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again just to hear a voice boom out the warning again, "Jesus is watching you.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around the room. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He softly asked the parrot, "Did you say 'Jesus is watching me?'"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the parrot.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rotweiller standing behind you Jesus."

Repeat, Repeat!
The lady of the house invited some people for dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter, Sarah, and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

Sarah said, "I wouldn't know what to say,"

My wife said, "Just say what you hear Mommy say,"

Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Oh l-rd, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Jewish Witness
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand. 'How old are you?', asked the District Attorney.

I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one.'

'What was that?'

'I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old.'

'Just answer the question!' yelled the D.A., 'How old are you!?'

'Kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one,' the old man replied.

The judge said, 'The witness will answer the question and only the question or be held in contempt of court!'

The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge, 'Your Honor, may I ask?' and turned towards the old man, 'Kayn aynhoreh, how old are
you?'

The old man replied, 'Eighty-one'.

Jewish Dictionary

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

Another Identity

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Engel's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Ruth Engel."

The Rabbi spoke to her at the service and said, "Aren't you Mr.Engel's daughter, little girl?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Jewish Mothers!

Q. Why did the Jewish Mother want to be buried near Bloomingdale's?
A. So her daughter would visit twice a week

Q. What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
A. You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need money.

Q. What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A. So who catered it?

Q. What is the most common disease transmitted by Jewish Mothers?
A. Guilt

Q. What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!

Arthritis
Dovid smelled like a distillery as he set on a subway seat in New York next to aRabbi Goldberg. His tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of vodka was sticking out of his coat pocket. Rabbi Goldberg noticed this unfortunate behavior ocassionally. They shared the subway often. Dovid was headed home after a wild night and Rabbi Goldberg was headed to Yeshiva to study with a friend. Dovid He opened his newspaper, The Jerusalem Post an began reading. In dishevel he turned to the rabbi asking, "What causes arthritis?"

Rabbi Goldberg responded to the question in frustration "it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," Dovid muttered, "It says here that the famous Rabbi..... has a very serious case of arthritis."

Lines In Heaven
Past the Pearly Gates in Heaven, there are two lines for deceased husbands. One line was marked "Henpecked Husbands", the other line, "Take Charge Husbands".

One day there was a huge line in "Henpecked Husbands" line but only one man in the "Take Charge Husbands" line. A man in the henpecked line gathers the courage to ask the fellow how he came to be in "Take Charge Husbands" line.

He responded "My wife told me to stand in this line."

Questions to Ask Your Attorney...
Q. What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
A. Back over him to make sure...

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A. When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q. Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many toxic waste dumps?
A. New Jersey got to pick first.

Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
A. The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

Q. What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff with two empty seats?
A. A damn shame.

Q. What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A. A good start.

Q. What do you need when you've have three lawyers up to their necks in cement?
A. More cement.

Q. What is worse than 50 lawyers screwed to the bottom of a garbage truck?
A. Only forty-nine lawyers screwed to the bottom of a garbage truck.

Q. What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A. Your Honor.

Q. Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt ? A. He will attempt to jump 1,000 attorneys with a bulldozer.

Q. How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
A. Slam the toilet seat on his head.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A. The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning which do you save?
A. Neither

Between grand theft and a legal fee what is there?
A. A law degree.

The Bill
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

One Dollar

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

Please, traveler, why not?
If each travler visiting our sight sent One Dollar it would help...

So why not?

Print out this page... glue the address to an envelope and drop a buck... or visit our Contribution Page and Membership Page

JewishPath, Inc.
P.O. Box 5
Morrison, Colorado 80465-0005

Thanks!

JewishPath Staff

The Bandit And "The Bandit"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

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