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Jewish Humor

We Do Honor Shabbos?
Yaakov was walking on London's Regent Street. He stopped at a posh gourmet food shoppe. A salesperson asked if he could be of assistance.

"Yes," Yaakov replied, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."

"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."

"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon," said Yaakov.

"Anything else," questioned the sales person?

"Yes, a dozen blintzes," replied Yaakov.

"No. No. You mean crepes." replied the salesperson.

Yaakov said, "Okay, a dozen crepes."

"Anything else," asked the sales person?

"Yes. A pound of chopped liver." Yaakov replied.

"No. No. You mean pate," the very indigent salesperson replied.

"Okay," said Yaakov, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my Hotel this Saturday."

"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Business Is Business
An aging American school teacher, who was also a born again Christian sorely missed the good old days of teaching when she could preach from the Bible and lead in school prayers. She was alarmed at how little her students knew about religion & decided since it was her last year of teaching, she was going to disregard the new strictures & teach religion anyway. So, she announced to her class that she would have a contest each day. On the first day she told the students she would give $25 to the student who could first tell her who was the greatest man who ever lived. Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand, but she ignored the kosher student in favor of those in her Sunday school class. As she went around the room, she was disappointed at the answers. Kathy, her best Bible scholar had picked Noah because he saved all the animals. Finally she picked on her rowdiest student in exasperation. "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the Great because he conquered the whole world!" "I think it was Thomas Edison, because he invented the light bulb," shone the brightest student. Finally, in resignation, she called on Moishe who was still wildly waving his hand.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived was Jesus, our saviour," offered Moishe. The teacher was shocked & doled out the $25 reward to Moishe as she said:

"Well, Moishe I'm very surprised that you should be the one with the right answer!"

"Well, personally," Moishe replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is business."

Jewish Redneck
You Maybe A JEWISH REDNECK IF:
You think Hora is a high priced call girl...
You light Shabbos Candles with from a cigarette...
Your seat bealt is larger than your yarmulke
You fire a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name...
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah...

Questions And Answers
Q. Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A. Under the Vacuum cleaner.

Q. How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
A. They put parking meters on the roof!

Q. Why did the Angel of Death smite the first--born of the Egyptians, but pass over the homes of the Jews? They were in the
A. Non-Smoting Section!

Q. What do you call a Torah with a seat belt?
A. A Safer Torah!

Q. Did you hear about the new facility K Foods is building in Israel?
A. Yes! Its called "Cheeses of Nazareth".

Q. What kind of cheese should one melt on a piece of matza to make a passover pizza?
A. Matzarello, of course!

Q. What's the difference between people who pray in synagouge and those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are really serious!

My Son the Convert..
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his rabbi
about it. "I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in
the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the troubled father.

"I turned to G-d for the answer" replied the rabbi.

"And what did he say?" pressed the father.

"He said, 'Funny you should come to me...'
"

Very Old Whitefish
Dovid enters a kosher deli. He orders whitefish. After the waiter serves him he overhears Dovid talking to the fish. Soon Dovid is deep in conversation with his lunch. "So what's the deal here," says the waiter. "You plan on eating it or taking it home and marrying it?

"We're just schmoozing," says Dovid. "Turns out the fish is from Great Neck Bay. I used to live there. So I was asking him how things are back in Great Neck.

"Sure, so what did he say?" asked the waiter.

"He said, 'How should I know? I ain't been there in years!'"

Devious Kid
The teacher asked her prize student, "So Moshe, what does two plus two make?" Moshe replied "are you buying, or selling?".

Confession
Two five year-olds are playing in a sandbox. One is Jewish, the other is Catholic. The Catholic boy says to the Jewish boy, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!"

To which the Jewish boy replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."

Another Version of L-rd and Taylor
Schwartz, a poor tailor, had two daughters, and he wanted to provide them both with lavish weddings but couldn't really afford it. One day in the temple, he was deep in prayer and asked G-d to help him find a way to give his first daughter a beautiful wedding.

G-d whispered into his ear, "Make wide lapels.....make wide lapels....." So Schwartz the tailor started manufacturing hundreds of suits, all of which were made with wide lapels. These suits sold like wildfire and were the new rage, bringing Schwartz plenty of money to entertain many wedding guests with an opulent feast at his first daughter's wedding.

A few years later, his second daughter was getting married and Schwartz was in temple again, praying to G-d to help him out. After much beseeching and pleading, G-d whispered, "Make narrow ties.....make narrow ties." So Schwartz started turning out thousands of narrow ties, which turned out to be the latest trend in men's neckwear. This brought him lots and lots of money and his second daughter was able to have a wonderful, expensive wedding, too.

After his daughters were married, Schwartz the tailor went back to the synagogue and prayed to G-d, thanking Him for helping out. He was so grateful to G-d that Schwartz told Him he would be opening up a store and would name it "G-d and Schwartz" to honor him. Then he heard a little voice from G-d in his ear:

"No......Call it L-rd & Taylor!"

Cheap Stop!
Goldie and Harry are driving in San Francisco in their aged Oldsmobile and Goldie is driving. They are at the top of California street in the hilly and fancy financial district when the brakes fail. Goldie is pressing the brake pedal so hard it might go through
the floor and she's nearly torn the hand break out by the roots as she weaves in and out of the cars at an ever increasing speed.

"Oy Vay," Goldie wails. "Harry, what should I do!!"

"For G-d's sake," Harry screams. "Hit something cheap!"

It's the Butcher
There was an elderly Jewish woman, Mrs Gold, who was tired of living alone so she decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So Mrs. Gold went to the near by pet store and taked with Mr. Ruben, the owner.

Mrs. Gold said, "Mr. Ruben I would like a parrot for company."

"How much can you spend he responded" .

Mrs. Gold said, "I am on Social Security. I can only spend $20.00."

Mr. Ruben sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only $20.00 except for a black myna bird which only speaks the phrase, "WHO IS IT? ...that's a limited vocabulary. but for $20.00 it's a deal"

Mrs. Gold was ecstatic. She paid the $20. Took the Myna bird home. Placed him on the perch near the front door and went to an appointment. She was delayed in returning. The butcher shop showsup with his weekly delivery. He knockson the door.

"Who is it!?" shrieked the myna bird.

"It's the butcher!" said the man.

"Who is it!?" repeated the bird.

"Lady, it's the butcher!"...

"Who is it!?"

"Mrs. Gold, it's the butcher!"

"Who is it!?"

(now exasperated beyond limit) "Mrs. Gold! I said it's the G@$$a&&ed butcher!"

"Who is it!?" Then the man suffers a heart attack, G-d forbit and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door. The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says, "Oh my! Who is it?!"

...and the myna bird promptly says, "It's the butcher!!!"

Come In
Yaakov, the localmail carrier for a small town in Jersey had a registered letter that needed a signature for a party on his route. Receiving no response to his knock on the front door, he went around to the back door which he found open, except for the screen door. He knocked. A high pitch voice from inside said, "Come in.

"Upon entering the kitchen, he was confronted by the largest german shepard he had ever seen. The dog bared his fangs menacingly, forcing the mail man against the wall. Yaakov seeing the room was empty, except for a parrot in a cage shouted to the parrot, "Darn you parrot, don't you know any words besides 'come in' ?"

The parrot responded, "Sic him!!!"

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