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Jewish Humor

10 Things Jewish Men Know About Women

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A Serious Mistake
It seems that a Shlomo who volunteered for military service during World
War II had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to
Pensacola Air Base skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific. On his first day aboard he took off and single - handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeros. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, Shlomo descended, circled the air craft carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Vel You make one veelly
impartantt mistake!"......

Forget Something?
An older Jewish couple, Yaakov and Rivkah, decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to
remember them. One evening, Yaakov got up from studying and said to Rivkah was going to the kitchen and asked, "would you like anything while I'm there?"

Rivkah said, "Yes,...some ice cream." As Yaakov set off she said, "Write it down."

Yaakov shouted back as he was walking away, "I can remember ice cream."

Rivkah shouted, "I want strawberries on my ice cream... Write it down"

Yaakov kindly turning around said, "I can remember ice cream with strawberries."

Rivkah added, "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries on top of the ice cream."

Yaakov took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while and when he came back, he was carrying a plate of roast beef and Mayo.

Rivkah says, "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?"

Jewish Information Technology vs Jewish Business Technology
A Dovid, a Jewish Balloonist, is flying in his hot air balloon as he realizes he is lost. So Dovid reduces his balloon height . He spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet
above this field."

"You must work in Jewish Information Technology," Dovid responds.

"I do," replies the man. My name is Shlomo. I'm the head of that department. "How did you know?"

"Well," says Dovid, "Shlomo everything you said is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

Then Shlomo says, "you must work in Jewish Business Technology."

"I do," replies Dovid, I'm the head of Jewish Business technology. "but how did you know?"

"Well," says Shlomo, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help you. You're in the same
position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Creation of Yisroel
On the sixth day G-d turned to the Gabriel and said:
"Today I am going to create a land called Yisroel, it will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have rolling hills and mountains full
of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling clear ocean with wonderful abundance of sea life and high cliffs over-looking white sandy beaches with an."

G-d continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the
inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Yidden, and they
shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
" asked Gabriel kindly interrupted, "But.. but.. don't.. don't you think you are being too generous to these Yidden?"

"Not really," replied G-d "just wait and see the neighbors I am going to
give them."

Your Husband, Yaakov's Needs Rest!
Sarah accompanied her husband Yaakov to the doctor's office. After Yaakov's checkup, the doctor called Sarah into his office alone.

He said, "Yaakov is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think Yaakov will regain his health completely.

On the way home, Yaakov asked Sarah. "What did the doctor say?"
Sarah replied, "You're going to die,".

Another Twist To The Funeral Envelope Joke
An elderly gentleman, Binyomin Gold, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor Yaakov Stein, one a priest, Father O'Mally, and one an attorney Benny Green. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world."

They agreed.

A few weeks later, he died. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking. Dr. Stein couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $800,000 out of the envelope to pay for it in the memory of Mr. gold, may he rest in peace.

Father O'Mally cringed, then added, "I must also confess. The contributions to the poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them in his memory, G-d rest his soul."

Well Mr. Green was beside himself. "I am disgusted with the two of you. Our friend asked but one thing of us. He trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"

Dr. Stein replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, of all people, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"

"I would never!" replied Mr. Green.

"In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount! signed by me!"

Baseball Fans In Heaven
Two buddies Yitzchok and Shmul were two of the biggest baseball fans in
America.

During their entire adult lives, they discussed baseball history in
the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season.

They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first
would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
heaven.

One summer night, Yitzchok passed away in his sleep after watching the
Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights
later, his best buddy Shmul awoke to the sound of his voice from beyond.

"Yitzchok is that you?" Shmul asked.

"Of course it me," Yitzchok replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Shuml exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball
in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you
want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first." said Shuml

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven," said Yitzchok.

"Oh, that is wonderful!" exclamed Shul. "So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

MEIN FRUM ZAYDA

My Zayda was a very religious man. davened 3 timed a day. Laid taphillian
every day of his life ..
Well one night he heard a noise downstairs so he went down the stairs to
check it out..
He saw a burgler putting silverware in a big sack. Very
angry he approached the burglar..The burglar seeing my Zayda reached into the
sack, pulled out a knife and was about to stab my Zayda..
All of a sudden my Zayda screamed out "nisht mit the milichdic messer" (not
with the dairy knife)

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