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Jewish Humor

The Perfect Rabbi
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He works from 8:00 am until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily
on congregation families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office when needed.

A Change In Name
Yaakov was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks just, "XX".

He started his own business, which soon prospered. He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Yaakov, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing your checks, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."

Yaakov answered, "Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name!"

How Many Kosher Cookies Can You Eat?
A Schmulik from Chelm visited another town. A local man asked him: "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"

The Schmulik replied, "Oh, about five..."

The local guy replied, "No, you're wrong! You can only eat one. After that you stomach's not empty anymore!!"

The Schmulik returned to Chelm and asked Moshe, "How many cookies can you eat on an empty stomach?"

Moshe answered, "Two."

Schmulik told him, "It's too bad. If you had said, 'five', I would have had a great joke for you."

One Dollar
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, congribution to 15th street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave acordian player, pushke..."

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JewishPath Staff

The Golden Cow
Shlomo came to Chelm with his very old skinny cow. The mayor of Chelm insisted he stay in his home during his visit. He made room in his barn for Shlomo's cow. Yaakov was a little worried about being in a strange town so he hid his gold in the straw close to his cow.

The next morning, the mayor walked into the barn to care for his animals. He noticed the gold in the straw. He figured out that this cow, unlike all other cows, gave gold instead of milk. He was very excited!! He called a special meeting of the Chelm Town Council and insisted that they buy the cow from the Shlomo. They collected money from all the citizens in town.

The mayor asked Shlomo if he would be willing to sell the cow. He offered double the usual price for a good milk cow. Shlomo started to protest that the cow wasn't worth that much, but the mayor misunderstood and increased his offer. The more the stranger protested, the more the mayor offered. Finally Shlomo agreed to sell.

The mayor gave the scrawny cow the best stall in his barn. He fed her the very best feed in town. The next morning, the mayor approached the cow to milk her. As he started, he was very surprised to find that the cow gave...milk! And not even very good milk!!

The mayor was annoyed. Shlomo had sold him a cow that gave gold, but all he had gotten was milk! He reported back to the Town Council. They were angry. When they told the townspeople, everyone was furious! They decided to track down Shlomo to recover their money.

They found the Shlomo in the next town. With everyone yelling at him all at once, he had no idea what was going on, but eventually, he figured it out. He turned to the mayor and asked, "Did you feed the cow?"

The mayor answered, "Of course we fed the cow! Do you think we don't know how to care for a cow?!!"

Shlomo answered, "Did you ever have a cow that gave gold before? Didn't you notice how scrawny she was when I came into town? There's only one way to get her to give gold... You have to stop feeding her! But, it took me weeks to teach her to not eat. This is what you have to do. Every day, feed her a little less. At the end of three weeks, you should be able to cut her down to eating nothing. The next day, milk her, and she will give gold again."

The Chelmites look at Shlomo, embarrassed about their previous anger. They return to Chelm and start the feeding regimen that shlom suggested. The cow got skinnier and skinnier, and the mayor of Chelm was very pleased. Until, one morning, on the very first day she would have gotten no food, the cow was found dead in her stall.

The people of Chelm were, of course, very disappointed. But they always looked back nostalgically on the day when, if only their cow hadn't died, they would have been the richest town in Poland...

It's Thursday
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk. He prayed to G-d, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.

The minister told a similar story. He had been out on a small boat when a hurricane struck. There were 40-foot high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to G-d, and, while the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.

The rabbi, too, had such a story. One Shabbos morning, on the way home from the shul, he saw a very thick wad of $100 bills lying on the sidewalk. Of course, since it was Shabbos, the rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to G-d, and everywhere, for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around him, it was Thursday.

More Bread Please!
An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.

The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread."

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread", comes the reply.

So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a little more bread", comes the reply once again.

The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.

The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"

The old man replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!"

One Liner's

Jewish Telegram: "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack. "The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

Q. What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
A. A third fewer calories.

Q. Why did the Angel of Death smite the first--born of the Egyptians, but pass over the homes of the Jews?
A. They were in the Non-Smoting Section!

Q. IDid you heare about the new Kosher Japanese restaurant is opening soon?
A. It's called "So-Sue-Me."

Out Of Everything
Yitzchok, an old Jew and his wife Sara stand on the street looking into a window of a big grocery in Kiev,. Yaakov mutters "So they have no more beef... no butter... no milk... no chicken, no eggs... and no flour..."

A man in civilian clothes hisses in his ear: "Shut up, you dirty Yid, or I'll hit your dumb head with my gun! Have you understood me?"

Yitzchol replies "understood, understood." Heand Sara hurries back to their home. When they arrive home. Yaakov says, "Sara, they don't have bullets either!"

Visit me, if you are ever in Kiev!
It was so nice to meet you! If you are ever in Kiev, please come and visit me, I'll be glad to see you again!

What's your address?

It couldn't be easier! Go to the main street in Kiev. Walk straight from its beginning. Make the second turn to the left. Continue straight and enter the first big ark to your right. You'll be in a big yard surrounded by apartment buildings. Yell: "Rabinowitz!!!" You'll see faces looking at you from all the windows except one! This is my window. Because my name is Shapiro.

Empty Stables
After a philosophy lecture a particularly difficult student stood up and declared, "Professor Greenberg, you have destroyed everything I believe in, but you
have given me nothing to take its place."

"Young man," the professor responded, "you will recall that as one of the labors of Hercules, he was required to clean out the Augean stables. He was not, let me point out, required to refill them."

Jewish Marriage Test
If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

1. There are no Jews living in
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks

2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings

3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed

4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the
next

5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish

6. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup

7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments

8. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers

9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter

10. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition

11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to a. become
a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set

12. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar

13. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each"c". 39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or NewYork. They'll adore you. 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to. 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.

Returns
The Doctor: Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

Mrs. Cohen: So did my arthritis

More Jewish Personals

Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
POB 658

Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I'll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the
"fast" lane.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

One Chassid Nine Yekkes

At sholoshudos, there were nine yekkes and one chassid sitting at the table and there was only one piece of herring left. Suddenly the
lights went out, there was a blood-curdling scream, and when the lights came on, on the plate was one hand with nine forks in it.

Early Bird Special

An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner. The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling,do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or this St. Johns?"

"Do I care?" he replied.

The woman comes out of the bedroom says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"

"Who gives a damn?" says the husband.

The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 caret round diamond?"

To which her husband responds, "Hey, if you don't get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the early bird special."

How You Ask A Question...

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be alright to smoke while praying.

Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?"

But Rabbi says, "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to Hashem."

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

Mort says, "I"m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, Morty. By all means."

Attorney's Office
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz."

The man says, "Let me talk to Mr.Schwartz."

"I'm sorry, he's on vacation."

"Then let me talk to Mr. /Schwartz."

"He's on a big case, not available for a week."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's playing golf today."

"Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"Speaking."

Time Please!
An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

Baseball Play Off's
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".

The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".

Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

Jewish Names? NEVER!

Asa Yoelson Milton Berlinger Fanny Borach Bernard Schwartz Bobby Zimmerman Ethel Zimmerman Elliot Goldstein Israel Baline Sephanie Federkrewcz Belle Silverman Betty Joan Perske Nathan Birnbaum David Daniel Kaminsky Edward Israel Iskowitz Benjamin Kubelsky Michael Orowitz Allen Stewart Konigsberg Issue Danielovitch Demsky Sophia Kalish Joseph Gottleib Natasha Gurdin Lyova Geisman Joyce Penelope Frankenburg Joseph Levitch Melvin Kaminsky Gerald Silberman Jacob Cohen Joan Molinsky Borge Rosenbaum Amos Jacob Lazlo Lowenstein Emanual Goldenberg Judith Tuvim Melvyn Hesselberg Karen Blanche Ziegler Ella Geisman Sidney Leibowitz Abraham Isaac Arshawsky

Al Jolson Milton Berle Fanny Brice Tony Curtis Bob Dylan Ethel Merman Elliot Gould Irving Berlin Stephanie Powers Beverly Sills Lauren Bacall George Burns Danny Kaye Eddie Cantor Jack Benny Michael Landon Woody Allen Kirk Douglas Sophie Tucker Joey Bishop Natalie Wood Lee Grant Jane Seymour Jerry Lewis Mel Brooks Gene Wilder Rodney Dangerfield Joan Rivers Victor Borge Lee J. Cobb Peter Lorre Edward G. Robinson Judy Holliday Melvyn Douglas Karen Black June Allyson Steve Lawrence Artie Shaw

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