A Joke On Yaakov's Jewish Pet

This old gentleman's dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.

 

The Rabbi said, "No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals. However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here. You go there and ask if they will bless your dog.

 

The man thanked the Rabbi and said, "Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?"

The Rabbi said, "Hold it -- come back. You didn't tell me the dog was Jewish."

 

 

A Joke On The Goldberg Awards

In answer to the Oscars , they are giving out the 'Goldsbergs" for excellence in Jewish movies.

The following have been nominated:

THE SIX CENTS- 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
GOY STORY 2- Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another
ISN"T SHE GEVALDIK-Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susanne
SUPERNOVA- Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox
SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS-Unexpected storm disrupts Passover
ANGELA'S KASHAS- Woman reveals secret recipe
GIRLS, INTERRUPTED- Women's section of shul shushed during davening
STUART LADLE- Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES- Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach
THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY- Believe it or not, he knows Gemorah

 

A Funny Passover Song
[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things"]

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

Take Me Out To The Seder
(To the tune of, of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And its root, root, root for Eli Yah Hoo
That he will soon reappear

And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
In Yerusalem next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah
And don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking,
We want to be heard.
And lets, root, root, root for the leader
That he will finish before 3am
So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Let's eat the meal!!!

We've been working on these buildings;
Pharaoh doesn't pay.
We've been doing what he tells us
Mixing straw with clay.
Can't you hear the master calling,
"Hurry up, make that brick!"
Watch out or the master whip us
'Til we're feeling sick.

Oy vay, it's a mess,
A terrible distress,
Oy vay, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews.

Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
Warning of all G-d's clout, clout, clout.
Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
And G-d's gonna get us out!

We're singing . . . .
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Make our matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!

Check Out The Mann Auditorium

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked , "Is his building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author?'"

 

"No," said the tour guide, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

 

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

 

The guide responded, "A check."

"Stock Market Losses"

Devorah and Ruth are having coffee when Devorah notices that Ruth seems troubled and asks, "Is something wrong? You look terrable."

 

"Well, Dovid, my fiance and I just broke up" Ruth replied.

 

"Hey! He lost just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Ruth explained.

 

"Oh, that's too bad," Devorah sympathized.

 

 

A Joke On The Painful Truth About Yaakov's Dentist

Dentist to Yaakov, "Please help me?

 

Sure, replied Yaakov.

 

Could you give out a few of your loud painful screams?"

 

Yaakov, "Why, Doc? It wasn't all that bad this time."

 

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game."

 

 

A Funny Story In The Children Of G-d

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even G-d's omnipotence did not extend to G-d's kids. After creating heaven and earth, G-d created Adam
and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

 

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

 

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit," G-d replied.

 

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!"

 

"WAY! Don't eat that fruit!" said G-d.

 

"Why?" asked Adam

 

G-d said,"Because I am your Father and I said so!" wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

 

A few minutes later G-d saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?"

 

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

 

"Then why did you?" G-d questioned.

 

"I dunno," Eve answered.

 

"She started it!" Adam said.

 

"Did not!"

 

"DID so!"

 

"DID NOT!"

 

Having had it with the two of them, G-d's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own...thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If G-d had trouble handling children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

 

Joke: A Jewish Sence Of Reason From The Fifties

Ah, the good old days. Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950s.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

 

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

 

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

 

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

 

"The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

 

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

 

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

 

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

 

 

Joke: A Jewish Sence Of Reason From The Fifties {Part Two}

"Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

 

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."

 

"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

 

"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

 

"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

 

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

 

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

 

"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

 

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

 

 

These announcements were found in temple newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the buirth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become
Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.

The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wed. even in the community center. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal
feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cosst of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forard and get a peice of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

Rivkah The Blonde House Painter...

Rivkah decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband Dovid, that blondes really are smart.
While Dovid was off at work, Rivkah decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,she gets down to the task at hand.
Dovid arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(scroll down)... I love this one ...

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