A Joke On Yaakov's Jewish Pet

This old gentleman's dear old dog passed away. He was so attached to that dog that he went to his Rabbi and asked if the Rabbi would say kadish for the dog.

 

The Rabbi said, "No, we only say kadish for humans, not animals. However there is a new congregation two blocks down the street from here. You go there and ask if they will bless your dog.

 

The man thanked the Rabbi and said, "Do you suppose they would also accept my donation of $75,000?"

The Rabbi said, "Hold it -- come back. You didn't tell me the dog was Jewish."

 

 

A Joke On The Goldberg Awards

In answer to the Oscars , they are giving out the 'Goldsbergs" for excellence in Jewish movies.

The following have been nominated:

THE SIX CENTS- 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
GOY STORY 2- Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another
ISN"T SHE GEVALDIK-Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susanne
SUPERNOVA- Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox
SNOW FALLING ON SEDERS-Unexpected storm disrupts Passover
ANGELA'S KASHAS- Woman reveals secret recipe
GIRLS, INTERRUPTED- Women's section of shul shushed during davening
STUART LADLE- Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES- Zaydie lays down the law on Pesach
THE TALMUDIC MR. RIPLEY- Believe it or not, he knows Gemorah

 

A Funny Passover Song
[Sung to the tune of "These are a few of my favorite things"]

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that stings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and Kiddish and Yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzoh balls floating and eggshell that cling
These are a few of our Passover things.

When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.

Take Me Out To The Seder
(To the tune of, of course, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame!")

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Feed me on matzah and chicken legs,
I don't care for the hard-boiled eggs.
And its root, root, root for Eli Yah Hoo
That he will soon reappear

And let's hope, hope, hope that we'll meet
In Yerusalem next year!

Take me out to the Seder
Take me out with the crowd.
Read the Haggadah
And don't skip a word.
Please hold your talking,
We want to be heard.
And lets, root, root, root for the leader
That he will finish before 3am
So we can nosh, nosh, nosh and by-gosh
Let's eat the meal!!!

We've been working on these buildings;
Pharaoh doesn't pay.
We've been doing what he tells us
Mixing straw with clay.
Can't you hear the master calling,
"Hurry up, make that brick!"
Watch out or the master whip us
'Til we're feeling sick.

Oy vay, it's a mess,
A terrible distress,
Oy vay, it's a mess for Jews, us Jews.

Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
Warning of all G-d's clout, clout, clout.
Moshe's in the palace with Pharaoh,
And G-d's gonna get us out!

We're singing . . . .
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Make our matzahs "to go" oh oh oh.
Fee, Fi, Fiddely eye oh,
Stick it to the ol' Pharaoh!

Check Out The Mann Auditorium

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked , "Is his building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author?'"

 

"No," said the tour guide, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

 

"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

 

The guide responded, "A check."

"Stock Market Losses"

Devorah and Ruth are having coffee when Devorah notices that Ruth seems troubled and asks, "Is something wrong? You look terrable."

 

"Well, Dovid, my fiance and I just broke up" Ruth replied.

 

"Hey! He lost just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," Ruth explained.

 

"Oh, that's too bad," Devorah sympathized.

 

 

A Joke On The Painful Truth About Yaakov's Dentist

Dentist to Yaakov, "Please help me?

 

Sure, replied Yaakov.

 

Could you give out a few of your loud painful screams?"

 

Yaakov, "Why, Doc? It wasn't all that bad this time."

 

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game."

 

 

A Funny Story In The Children Of G-d

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even G-d's omnipotence did not extend to G-d's kids. After creating heaven and earth, G-d created Adam
and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

 

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

 

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit," G-d replied.

 

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve, we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!"

 

"WAY! Don't eat that fruit!" said G-d.

 

"Why?" asked Adam

 

G-d said,"Because I am your Father and I said so!" wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

 

A few minutes later G-d saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?"

 

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

 

"Then why did you?" G-d questioned.

 

"I dunno," Eve answered.

 

"She started it!" Adam said.

 

"Did not!"

 

"DID so!"

 

"DID NOT!"

 

Having had it with the two of them, G-d's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own...thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have
persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be too hard on yourself. If G-d had trouble handling children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

 

Joke: A Jewish Sence Of Reason From The Fifties

Ah, the good old days. Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950s.

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."

 

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one."

 

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

 

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging dime just to mail a letter?"

 

"The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."

 

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

 

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

 

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

 

 

Joke: A Jewish Sence Of Reason From The Fifties {Part Two}

"Also, their music drives me wild. This 'Rock Around The Clock' thing is nothing but racket."

 

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every movie has a 'hell' or'damn in it."

 

"Also, it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"

 

"Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore."

 

"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."

 

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

 

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

 

"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"

 

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

 

 

These announcements were found in temple newsletters and bulletins. Even spell check wouldn't have helped!...

Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help.

Join us for our Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

We are pleased to announce the buirth of David Weiss, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.

Thursday at 5:00PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All women wishing to become
Little Mothers, please see the rabbi in his private study.

The ladies of Haddassah have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.

A bean supper will be held Wed. even in the community center. Music will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.

Mrs. Glodblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a nominal
feel.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

We are taking up a collection to defray the cosst of the new carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forard and get a peice of paper.

If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!

The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

Hello and welcome to WJEW's hottest, hippest and heimish-est game show, "Who Wants to Marry a Flatbush Millionaire?" I'm your host Zlati Meyer. We'll begin our program tonight as we do every evening, with a qualifying
round. All right, folks, you all know how this works. I'll give you a list of five items. Your job is to put them in chronological order. Please remember that all the questions are meant for both men and women to answer, unless otherwise indicated.

Ready? Let's go.

 

Tonight's category is "Items a Chassan Gives a Kallah, Though Are Paid for by His Tatty and Mommy." The items are:
a. A tropical-flower arrangement the size and weight of a well-fed 9-year-old
b. An 8-carat engagement ring
c. A diamond-studded gold Cartier watch
d. A string of perfect pearls, hand-strung by blind Mongolian monks
e. A platinum wedding band

 

Have your answers ready? Good. Here's how they should be ranked:
B (upon the request for the maidel's hentala in marriage),
A (for the Shabbos Kallah/Forshpiel),
E (under the chuppah),
D (in the yichud room),
C (during the week of sheva brachos).

 

How did you fare? Great! Now, that you've qualified, let's start the game. Kindly answer the following questions. Please keep track of how many points you accrue. (The first answer is worth no points, the second 1 point, the third is worth 2 points, the fourth 3 and the fifth 4.) Also, note that some answers have bonus points, so don't forget to tally those in as well. The higher your score, the more likely you are to find your zivug in the "Over $5 Million" tax bracket.

 

1. Your first name is:
WOMEN
a. Chana
b. Chanee
c. Chanie
d. Chany
e. Chani
Add 3 points if your middle name is some embarrassing Yiddish one, G'nendel or Cransha.

 

MEN
a. Shragi
b. Shabsi
c. Zolly
d. Motty
e. Tushy

 

2. You attended:
a. YU or Stern
b. Johns Hopkins/Ner Yisrael
c. Downstate
d. Brooklyn
e. Touro (the Brooklyn campus, of course)
WOMEN: Add 2 points if your declared major included the suffix "therapy."

MEN: Add 1 point if you majored in accounting or computer science. Add 2 points if you majored in finance.

 

3. You are currently employed as a:
WOMEN:
a. social worker
b. physician's assistant
c. physical, occupational or speech therapist
d. anything in the Diamond District
e. interior decorator
Add 2 points if your job lets you take two-hour lunch breaks at Mom's Bagels.

MEN:
a. working for your father (some vague, ill-defined position meant to sound like a CEO, but really involves much shmying around and checking stock prices on the Internet)
b. actuary
c. accountant
d. something in the Diamond District
e. day trader
If E, add 1 point, if you do it from your home or a store-front. Add 2 points, if you work for Schonfeld Securities.

 

4. You daven at the following shul:
a. Rabbi Dovid Cohen
b. Rabbi Hillel David
c. Rav Frankel
d. Steinwurtzel
e. Sasragen
Add 3 points if you know the real name of the shul above where you daven.
WOMEN: Add 1 point if you don't get to shul on Shabbos and Yom Tov before laining. Add 2 points if you can't refrain from chatting about or staring at another person's outfit for the duration of kaddish.

 

5. You define "cultured" as:
a. Frequenting the many world-class museums and concert halls in Manhattan
b. Frequenting the Jewish Museum (Granted it's YU, but your great-uncle, who's a bit modernah, is on the board.) and Avery Fisher Hall for every Dedi concert
c. Watching Knicks games from your family's court-side seats, a season ticket clenched in your hand
d. Reading the Jewish Press to look for your relatives' and friends' names in dinner ads
e. Listening to "JM in the AM" every morning
If D, add 3 points if your long-term career goal is to become a yeshiva dinner chairman or tea hostess.

 

6. Your ideal date is:
a. Drinks at the Marriott Marquis
b. Dinner at any Central Avenue restaurant
c. Dinner at Le Marais, which you erroneously call "La Marais" in an effort to sound more sophisticated
d. Dinner at Tevere 84
e. Window-shopping in Manhattan
Add 2 points if you answer your cell phone during the date. If B, C or D, add 3 points if you complain throughout the meal about why there are no "decent" kosher restaurants.

 

7. WOMEN Your beauty regimen includes:
a. a $7 manicure
b. an up-do at Adam's on Kings Highway
c. an EpiLight treatment
d. applying every MAC cosmetic ever manufactured
e. a French manicure, a pedicure, a facial, a massage and an aromatherapy treatment

MEN
You drive:
a. a Honda Accord
b. anything Nissan
c. a Lexus SC 400
d. a Mercedes (Sephardim only)
e. a Lexus SUV with gold detailing, which compels you to explain that although you could have afforded to get a Mercedes SUV, you'd NEVER buy anything German Add 2 points, if you lease the car from Leaseway, Wheels to Lease or Malcar.

 

8. The phrase "geographically undesired," or "GU" for short, has moved from the goyish lexicon to ours. You define this term as anyone who doesn't live in:
a. North America
b. the New York City-Monsey-Lakewood delta
c. the Five Towns
d. Brooklyn
e. the 20s between Avenue I and Kings Highway

 

9. Your annual family trip(s) is/are:
a. Tanta Ruchy's in Boro Park for Pesach
b. Florida for Pesach
c. Florida for Pesach and Israel for the summer
d. Florida for Pesach, Israel for the summer and a Vermont ski resort for mid-winter vacation
e. Florida for Pesach, Israel for the summer, a Vermont ski resort for mid-winter vacation and Europe for Chanuka vacation

 

10. Your kesubah will include a provision for:
a. Palm Pilot upgrades
b. a personal trainer
c. a charge account at Bergdorf Goodman
d. a personal chef
e. a summer home that's as large as your "city" house

Okay, because I think you guys have played beautifully, I'll throw in one more quick question to help you rack up some more points. Here it is.

11. When you hear "Boston," you think:
a. the 1986 World Series
b. Harvard and MIT
c. a birthplace of liberty
d. the well-off Kennedys (Some of them are still single. Are you SURE they're not Jewish?)
e. Baltimore

If A, don't simply keep your score unchanged. Subtract 7 points. If you predicted this year's mishloach manos theme would be JFK Jr., add 2 points.Now, please add up your points to see how you've done. Thanks for playing. Please tune in next Motzei Shabbos for another round of "Who Wants to Marry a Flatbush Millionaire?" This is your host Zlati Meyer, wishing you a Gut Voch.

 

 

Rivkah The Blonde House Painter...

Rivkah decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband Dovid, that blondes really are smart.
While Dovid was off at work, Rivkah decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work,she gets down to the task at hand.
Dovid arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing.She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

(scroll down)... I love this one ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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