A Joke On The Goldberg's
Two Yidden were sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, one Jew looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're fromYisroel."
The other Jew responds proudly, "I am!"
The first Jew says, "So am I! And from where might you be?"
The second Jew answers, "I'm from Yerusalem."
The first Jew responds, "So am I! And what are did you live?"
The second Jew says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David's Hotel.
not to far old city"
The first Jew says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?"
The second Jew answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University."
The first Jew gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The second Jew answers, "I graduated in 1984."
The Jews exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also."
About this time, another Jew enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

A New Jewish Holiday Joke
Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: "You will die on a Jewish holiday."
"Which one?'" Arafat asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it'll be a Jewish holiday."
A Morris Dog Joke
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice.........."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk,"

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!
More Q. A. Jokes
Q. What do you call whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil.
A. The brand name, of course, is "Let My People Go". . .
Q. What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
A. Filet minyan.
Q If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry?
A A Bris-kit!

Q What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A "Is ANYTHING all right?"

A Hebonics Joke
The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles and Scarsdale. In Hebonics, questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." (mountains-shmountains / turtle-shmurtle)
These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebonics:
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time."
Hebonics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things turn out okay."
Hebonics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you."
Hebonics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
English: "That's a very pretty girl."
Hebonics: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
English: "May I take your plate, sir?"
Hebonics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"
English: "It's been so long since you've called."
Hebonics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"

English: "It's a nice day."
Hebonics: "At least it's not raining."

English: "Happy birthday."
Hebonics: "You should only become a year smarter."

English: "I feel good."
Hebonics: "Things could be a lot worse."

English: "Happy New Year!"
Hebonics: "Another year, G-d willing!"

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