A Joke On Chopped Liver An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children, grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first. "Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?" "Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma Sadie I want some of her chopped liver.

Ben went out and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver. It would kill him."

Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."

Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the shiva."

A Jewish Cowboy's Guide To A Happy Life

1. Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.
2. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
3. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
4. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
5. Never ask a man the size of his spread.
6. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
7. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
8. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. Always drink upstream from the herd.
11. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if theyalready learned that lesson.
12. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

The Rabbi Lawn Mower Joke
A rabbi retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The rabbi asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind
the house.

The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The rabbi increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the rabbi pulling on the engine starter rope.

The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the rabbi yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The rabbi rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a rabbi and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Rabbi, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

A Merger Joke
There is a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.

Another merger is in the works between A&P and Stop and Shop. The new company will be known as Stop and P.

And don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape which would have brought us Net'n'yahoo

A Joke On Some Time Honored Truths

1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
9. A fool and his money are soon partying.
10. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
11. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
12. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
14. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
15. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
16. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

A Lottery Joke

A Israeli buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Israeli says "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Israeli said, "Oh, no. I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Israeli, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!


A Non Jewish Drink'in Joke
This guy goes into the bar every night and orders three beers. In fact every night he goes into the bar and orders threebeers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every night. Not two. Never 4. Always 3.

Well, the bartender can't figure this out. Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order two beers, or four beers; always three."

The guy says "Yes, there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer at night when we were in Vietnam. One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the States. We also decided if one of us didn't make it, the other two would drink the third one's beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking

The bartender felt bad.

Well, the next night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Night after night this guy now orders only two beers. This went on for some time and the bartender was sopuzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.

The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."

The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon Church and I can't drink beer any more."

A Clone Joke

A human being was successfully cloned in Holland. It was perfect in every way, except no matter what they tried they couldn't get the clone to stop using foul gestures and language. Finally, the enraged scientist in charge of the project pushed him out of a window, and the clone fell to his death.

Since he wasn't an actual human, the legal system couldn't figure out how the scientist should be charged. They finally charged him with making an "obscene clone fall".

One Leap
A frog decided to call the psychic hotline and see what his future held for him. The psychic says, "You will meet a very beautiful Jewish girl who will want to know everything about you."

"Oh yeah?" said the frog, "Where will I meet her? At a party, in the pond?"

The psychic hesitated, then responded, "You will meet her next semester, in Biology lab!"


The Joke On The Farmisht Rabbi
In the religious area of New York, a Rabbi left the pulpit to open up a business. After working very hard for several years and finally making some money, he decided to purchase a new automobile. Upon entering the local new car dealer, he was quickly spotted by the salesman.

"Have I got a car for you!" he exclaimed, unable to conceal his delight at finding an obviously religious man. The Rabbi turned business man, dressed in a dark suit, sporting a long beard, looked at the sales man in apprehension.

"What do you mean?"

"Ah ha," the salesman said rubbing his hands together. "Let me shown you the latest technological advance. An American car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands."

W-What's that?" the Rabbi asked hesitatingly.

"Come right here and let me show you. You will never believe your eyes." The salesman opened the door of the new and shiny sedan. "Please sit down and I will show you.

"A one of a kind, I tell you. You won't believe your eyes. You see this car has no pedals. That's right no gas pedal and no brake pedal."

"B-But how do you stop and start?"

"Ah, that's the beauty of this, with the Israeli computerized technology all you have to do is to speak and the digital processor will convert your voice into an electronic signal that tells the motor what to do."

"I don't believe it."

"Watch, it's true. This was programmed for the religious consumer. To start, just say "Baruch HaShem" (Hebrew: Thank G-d). As the salesman spoke those words the car began to drive.

The Rabbi, was taken back, "Wow, I don't believe it! How do you stop the car?"

"That's no problem, all you have to say is 'Shema Yisroel' (the prayer declaring the unity of G-d) and the car will stop." As the salesman spoke those words, the car rolled to a halt. It's as easy as can be just say 'Baruch HaShem' to start and when you want to stop just say 'Shema Yisroel'. "

Well The Rabbi was very impressed and bought the car on the spot. Entering the car he said the magic words, 'Baruch HaShem' and the car was soon heading out and on to the local highway. Soon the Rabbi had left the city behind and was looking at the beautiful country scenery. As the car continued, the Rabbi failed to notice a sign saying
that the road is closed. As the car continued it went up onto a half completed bridge.

"Oh no! We are going to crash!". Instinctively his feet searched in vain for the brake pedal, but there was none to be found. "What do I say, WHAT DO I SAY!!!" panicking he could not remember what the salesman had told him. His mind was a blank and the car was approaching the end of the unfinished bridge, together with a majestic plunge into a
ravine, hundreds of feet below.

"This is the end!" the Rabbi thought. And preparing for death he began to declare the unity of G-d,."Shema Yisroel!" he said, and in a moment the car screeched to a stop with half of the car resting in a tilted manner, precariously over the bridge.
The Rabbi, soaked with perspiration, removed his trembling hand from his forehead, and looked at the miracle and exclaimed with deep feeling 'BARUCH HASHEM'".


A Black Market Joke There was this Yid from Brooklyn who decided to go to Russia for a visit. Why not? Must be an interesting place. However when he tried to do some business in the black-market. He was quickly arrested by the police and imprisoned.

When he was brought before the judge, he was informed that doing business with the black market was a terrible crime to society, since the people suffer from the inability of the government to collect taxes and the punishment was well known, death.

Although the Yid protested that he was a foreigner, his protest fell on deaf ears. The judge refused to reduce the sentence.

"The government is trying to stamp out the black market. We have no mercy on people who come here and disregard our laws. However, since you are a foreigner, and we do want to encourage foreigners to come here as tourists and to do business, legally, of course. We want to show the world that the Russian legal system has mercy. Therefore we will allow you three wishes. Any thing that you desire, just ask and you shall be granted them. The only condition is that you can not request to commute your death sentence. After your three wishes have been granted, you will have to pay for your crime."

"O.K., if that is what I have left to do with my life, my first request is to go skiing in the Carpathian mountains."

"What?" the judge remarked, "skiing? This is the summer! There isn't any snow now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, folding his arms across his chest, "I'm prepared to wait. Because that's my first wish"

"Let it be so!" The judge banged his gavel on the desk and called the police. "When the snow falls on the Carpathian Mountains, you are to fetch this Yid and let him ski to his hearts content, from sunrise until sunset. Afterwards he is to be brought to me to complete his sentencing."

Six months later the police came to the man's house and took him up to the most beautiful ski resort high up on the Carpathian Mountains. The Yid skied all day and after night fall the police whisked him to the judge.

"All right, the state has granted your first wish. What is your second wish?"

"Well, I always wanted to swim in the Black Sea. That is my second request."

"What?! The Black Sea is frozen. It's winter now!"

"Well," the Yid answered, "I'm prepared to wait."

"O.K.," The judge said banging down his gavel, "the police will come to you on a beautiful summer's day and escort you to the ocean where you will swim to your hearts content from sun rise until sunset. Then you will be brought here to complete the sentencing."

On a beautiful summer's day, the police came to the man's house and took him to the nicest resort area on the Black Sea. The Yid swam and swam the entire day and then after sunfall, was ushered in front of the judge.

"The state has kept it's word. Now you may have your last wish, after which you will be executed! What is it?"

"Well," the Yid began, "nothing could please me more than to be buried in a cemetery along side of you."

"What?" the judge said, "but I'm not dead yet. How could we do that?"

"I don't know, but I'm prepared to wait"

Another Russian Drinking Joke You must have heard about the Jew from Gorgia (Russia) who came to Israel to live. Well every night or so he would get together with his Gruzzini friends and eat and drink into the night. Then one night when he and his friends were eating together, they started to open a bottle of wine to make a lechaim as is traditional at these nightly meals. "No, sorry." The man refused his friends' offer of a little wine, "I was at the doctor's office today and the doctor told me that I can't drink wine or spirits any more; it's bad for my health," he apologized.

"What do you mean?" they queried. "We always get together, eat and make lachaims. Are you really not going to drink with us?" they asked.

"Sorry, but what can I do? That's the doctor's orders!"

The next evening they all got together again and began to eat and drink. "Let's make a lechaim!" They started to pour themselves each a large glass of wine.

"NO, no! Sorry, I can't drink. Doctor's orders, bad for my health," the man explained again.

"What, again you are not going to drink with us?" his friends complained.

"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man explained.

And again the scene was repeated the next night also. "What, are you serious?" his friends complained. "Are you going to spend the rest of your life with out drinking? You'll ruin your life!"

"What can I do? Doctor's orders," the man sadly explained.

The next night when they got together to eat and drink. They began to pour each other a lachaim. However this time the man stuck out his glass "here, fill up my glass with some of that wine!"

Astounded, his friends stared at him in amazement. "What happened? We thought that it was forbidden for you to drink wine? Doctor's orders and all?"

"Well," the man began to explain, "I went to the doctor and asked him if it was still bad for my health to drink and he said yes. So I took out fifty dollars and slipped it to him under the table. So he changed his mind and said it would be OK to drink!"


Joke On: What Is A Jewish Footbal Team ...from Howard R.

Q: What is the motto of the Jewish Football Team?

A: Get the QUARTER back!


Define Kvell - verb, to gush with pride.
I kvelled over my son's accomplishments. Or, as the joke I've heard goes; One lady bumps into her friend baby-sitting her grandchildren. She asks, oh, what beautiful children, how old are they? "Well, she kvelled, the lawyer is 6 months, and the doctor is 2 years."

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