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Jewish Humor

 

A Chinese / Jewish Restaurant Joke

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

 

"Yes," replied the Chinese man, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

 

The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

 

The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

 

 

A Funny Tale About Adam's Ribs

A young student prided himself on his ability to confuse the wisest of scholars. Once, when he was surrounded by his friends, he sought to prove his self-asserted cleverness; he asked the town sage, "What was the first thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?"

 

The sage responded, "She counted his ribs,"

 

 

 

Ski Gate Humor

As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal. The day of the final came, and the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds, and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES! "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived.

 

Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Who fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"

 

 

 

A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale

A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

 

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

 

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordian player, pushke..."

 

 

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Mrs. Greenberg's Humor

Traveler, I have this neighbor for the sake of privacy will call her Mrs. Greenberg.  She was having this embarrassing problem.  She farted all the time.  Mrs. Greenberg decided to visit her doctor.  She went to her appointment and spoke to Doctor. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Greenberg. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenbeerg marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

 

"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of A Rabbi Temp

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended,
he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told
him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with
him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the
confessional.

A few minutes later a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The
priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a
man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest:"How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."

 

 

A Great Laugh About A Train Ticket For Free

In a Madrid train station, there were two Jews in the line to buy tickets to Paris. A few people
behind were two Turkish guys quietly watching the Jews, always wanting to play tricks on
them. When the moment came, the Jews bought only one ticket but, to the astonishment of the
Turks, the two of them got on the train.

As it was a non-stop trip, at a certain moment a conductor came into the car and started clipping
the passengers' tickets. The Turks, watching the Jews, started to giggle, certain that the Jews
would be caught. But, to the Turks' amazement, before the conductor could see, the Jews ran
and both went into a single lavatory.

Used to having people in the toilets, the conductor knocked on the door: "Paris, Paris, ticket,
please!" Immediately, the Jews slipped the only ticket they had under the door for the man to
clip it. The Turks were astounded by the trick (and mad, because they had spent money
unnecessarily).

After a few days, Turks could be seen in the line to purchase tickets back to Madrid. The Jews
came a bit later. Of course, the Turks bought only one ticket. What surprised them was that
when the Jews saw it, they left the line without tickets.

Again came the moment when the conductor stepped into the car. The two Turks went for the
toilet right away, the same way the Jews had done before. The Jews sat patiently until the
Turks were in the lavatory. Then, in a flash, they went to the toilet and knocked on the Turks'
door. The Turks immediately slipped the ticket underneath the door. The Jews grabbed it and
dashed into the next lavatory.... .

 

 

The Funny Tale of One Wise Chassid
Three Chassidim are each talking about who has the greatest Rebbe:
The first one says: "Our Rebbe is so great, we were walking home from shul on Shabbos and it was very hot. We said, "Rebbe, it is so hot what can we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was heat. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was heat. And in the area around the Rebbe it became cool and fresh and they all walked home.

 

The second one says: "That's nothing! We were walking home from shul one Shabbos and it started to rain really hard. And we said, "Rebbe, we're going to get sick what should we do?" The Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was rain. And to the right of the Rebbe and to the left of the Rebbe there was rain. But in the area around the Rebbe, there was no rain, and they all walked home.

 

The third said, "Is that all?? We were walking home from shul on Shabbos, and we spotted a large bag filled with gold coins that was lying in the street. And we said, "Rebbe, so much money, we could do so much work for the Chassidim, what should we do??" And the Rebbe stopped and he prayed. And in front of the Rebbe and behind the Rebbe there was Shabbos.....

 

 

 

A Pesach Cleaning Joke
It was several weeks before Pesach. I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar that my wife instructed me to empty. She said, "Empty each and every bottle down the sink," so I proceeded with the task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth sink, poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink, and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses, and sinks with the other, which were 29, and put the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol, but thinke peep I am. I'm not half so thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

 

 

 

The Humorous Tale of the Conversion Special
Dovid and Moshe were passing a Catholic church. The sign out front said, "Convert today for $50,000.00."

 

They continued walking when Moshe says, "I think I'll go back and check out that offer."

 

Dovid says, "You don't want to do that. Besides, it's probable a lie anyway."

 

Two weeks later Dovid runs into Moshe. He expeditiously asks, "So Moshe did you convert? Did they give you the money?"

 

Moshe replies, "Is that all you people think about?"

 

 

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