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Jewish Humor

 

The Joke Of TheYiddishe Mama's 3 Sons

Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their ageing mother:

AVRAHAM, the first, said, "I built a big house for our mother."

 

MOISHE, the second, said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

DAVID, the youngest, said, "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible? Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible--Mama just has to name the chapter and verse."

 

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother:

"AVRAHAM," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

 

"MOISHE," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain in the tuchas."

 

"But DAVID," she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Rabbi's Hat

On a windy day in New York City a Hassidic rabbi's fur hat flew off and was rescued by a man who returned it to the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Thank you, are you Jewish?"

 

"No," said the man.

 

"Well," said the rabbi, "I can't bless you, but I see an afternoon of great wealth for you."

 

The man thinks, "What can it be? I know--I can make the last four races at the horse track." He goes and looks at the program and sees a horse named Top Hat in the next race. "An omen," he thinks, and bets $100 and wins. The next race has a horse named Stetson--again he bets it all and wins. The next race features a horse named Beret, and he naturally wins again. He bets it all on the next race and loses everything. He goes home and tells his wife the story.

 

"What horse did you bet on in the last race?" she asks.

 

He says, "Chateau--French for hat."

 

"Idiot," she says, "Chapeau is French for hat--by the way, who won the race?'

 

"I don't know," he says, "some Japanese horse called Yomika!"

 

 

Jewish Mother-In-Law Humor

Two Jewish women were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser.

 

The first lady says, "So nu, how's your family?"

 

The second one responds, "Oh just fine. My daughter is married to the most wonderful man. She never has to cook, he always takes her out. She never has to clean, he got her a housekeeper. She never has to work, he's got such a good job. She never has to worry about the children, he got her a nanny."

 

She continues with a question to the first lady, "So how is your son these days?"

 

The first woman says, "Just awful. He is married to such a witch of a woman. She makes him take her out to dinner every night, she never cooks a dish. She made him get her a housekeeper, G-d forbid she should vacuum a carpet! He has to work like a dog because she won't get a job and she never takes care of their children, because she made him get her a nanny!"

 

 

Heavenly Help Humor

There was a man called Yaakov who lived near a river in America. He was a very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Yaakov was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While he was sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Yaakov to get in the boat. Yaakov said, "No, that's OK, G-d will take care of me." So, the man in the boat drove off.

 

The water rose, so Yaakov climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along and the person in that one told Yaakov to get in. He replied, "No, that's OK, G-d will take care of me." The person in the boat left.

 

The water rose even more, and Yaakov climbed on his chimney. Then a helicopter came and lowered a ladder. The man in the helicopter told Yaakov to climb up the ladder and get in. He told the man, "That's OK." The pilot said, "Are you sure?" Yaakov said, "Yeah, I'm sure G-d will take care of me."

 

Finally, the water rose too high and Yaakov drowned. He got up to Heaven and spoke with the angel at the gate. Yaakov questioned, "Why didn't G-d take care of me! What happened?"

 

The angel replied, "Well, He sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of Bubbe's Driving

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, eyes wide and white as ghosts. Bubbe, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... twenty-two miles an hour!" Bubbe says proudly.

 

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, she grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

The officer said,"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

 

Bubbe replied, "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

 

 

A Good Laugh With Momma
The upset and concerned housewife Rivkah sprang to the telephone when it rang and
listened with relief to the kindly voice.

 

"Darling, How are you? This is Momma."

 

"OH Momma," she said "I'm having a bad day." Breaking into bitter tears, she continued, "The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Goldbergs and Rosens for dinner tonight."

 

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, "Darling, let Momma handle it" She continued, "Sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call your husband Morty at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

 

"Morty?" said Rivkah. "Who's Morty?"

 

"Why, Morty's your husband!....Is this 223-1374?"

 

"No, this is 223-1375."

 

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

 

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Provider
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

 

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

 

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. ".......Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

 

"I will study," the young man replies, "and G-d will provide for us."

 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "G-d will provide for us."

 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support the children?"

 

"Don't worry, sir, G-d will provide," replies the fiance.

 

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that G-d will provide.

 

Later that evening the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

 

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm G-d."

 

A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

 

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

 

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordian player, pushke..."

 

 

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One Last Wish Joke
Just before Rosh Hashanah, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million dollars, nor a getaway car nor a jumbo jet. The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll grant each hostage one wish.

 

"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working on my Rosh Hashanah sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me recite my sermon. It's an hour and ninety minutes long, tops." The terrorists promise to grant the wish.

 

"Please," says the cantor, "after 50 years I've finally gotten the Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about 45 minutes long, then I'll go happily." The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish, too, and they turn to
the shul president.

 

"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes. "Shoot me first!"

 

 

Exam Humor
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

 

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

 

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

 

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

 

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

 

"Do you know WHO I am?"

 

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

 

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

 

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

 

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and hurried out of the room.

 

 

The Humorous Tale Of The Reform Rabbi

The Good News, Rabbi: You converted seven people last week at the river.
The Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

 

The Good News, Rabbi: The Sisterhood voted to send you a get well card.
The Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

 

The Good News, Rabbi: TheBoard accepted your job description the way you wrote it.

TheBad News: A search committee has been formed to find somebody capable of filling the position.

 

The Good News, Rabbi: Mrs. Silverman is wild about your sermons.
The Bad News: She is also wild about the "Gong Show," "Beavis and Butthead" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

 

The Good News, Rabbi: The Board finally voted to add more congregation parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your house.

 

The Good News, Rabbi: Shabbos attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
The Bad News: You were sick.

 

The Good News, Rabbi: The Board wants to send you on a vacation
The Bad News: Next year...

 

The Good News, Rabbi: Your biggest critic just left the congregation.
The Bad News: We offered him a position as head of the Board if he would return. He accepted!

 

The Good News, Rabbi: The youth in the congregation came to your house for a surprise visit last night.
The Bad News: Armed with toilet paper and shaving cream..

 

 

A Whale Of A Laugh

Rachel did a lot of traveling for her business, so she flew often. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Siddur along so she could read the traveler's prayer. It helped her relax...

 

One time, she was sitting next to a skeptical man. When he saw her pull out her Siddur, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there?"

 

Rachel replied, "Of course!"

 

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

 

"Oh, Yonah." responded Rachel.

 

"Yes, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

 

Rachel, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to Heaven, I will ask him."

 

"What if he isn't there?" the man asked sarcastically.

 

"Then you can ask him," replied Rachel.

 

 

Children Say The Darndest Jokes!

Jewish child: "Our Rebbe wears this fur hat."

Catholic child: "So? Our priest wears a collar."

Jewish child: "What's so special about a collar?"

Catholic Child: "You know, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!"

 

 

The Brother In - Law Joke

Mr. Stein was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by the doctor who was waiting by his bed.

 

"You're going to be just fine, Mr. Stein," the doctor said.

 

The doctor was joined by a nurse who said, "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

 

Mr. Stein said, "No, I'm not," in a whisper.

 

"Then can you pay in cash?" the nurse persisted.

 

"I'm afraid I cannot."

 

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nurse questioned sternly.

 

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she converted to.. she's a nun... in fact a real spinster."

 

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Stein. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to G-d."

 

"Wonderful, wonderful," Mr. Stein said. "In that case, please send my bill to my brother-in-law."

 

 

Bible Q & A Jokes

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. The Creator drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. Dovid's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson: he brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of the garden.

Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!

Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.

 

 

The Funny Tale Of An Atheist's Proposal

Sarah comes home from her date, rather sad. She tells her mother, "Dovid wants to marry me."

 

Her mother says, "Dovid's such a good boy. So why such a sad face on my bubeleh?

 

"Momme, Dovid is an atheist. He doesn't even believe there's a hell."

 

Her mother says, "Bubeleh, marry him! Between the two of us, we can make him a believer."

 

 

Biblical Humor: Theme Songs

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Joshua: "Good Vibrations"

Esau: "Born To Be Wild"

Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"

Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"

Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego: "Great Balls of Fire!"

 

 

Adom's Humorous Tale

Adom was walking through Gan Eden feeling very lonely, so G-d asked him, "What's wrong, Adom?"

Adom said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 

G-d thought for a minute and then said that He was going to make him a companion and that it would be called "wonderful."

 

"Wonderful will gather food for you, cook for you., agree with your every decision, bear your children, never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them, never nag you, be the first to admit wrong when you've had a disagreement, and wonderful never gives you a headache."

 

Adom inquired, "What will wonderful cost?"

 

G-d replied, "An arm and a leg."

 

Then Adom asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 

 

A Good Laugh At A Rabbi's Amazement

Yaakov and his father were visiting a mall for the very first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

 

Yaakov asked his father, "What is this, Avie?"

 

His father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

 

WhileYaakov and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed. They watched the small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

 

Smiling, the father turned to Yaakov and said, "Go get Emah."

 

 

A Canine Laugh.....

What's the difference between a Jewish Mother-In-Law and a Rottweiler?
Eventually the Rottweiler lets go...

 

 

The Three Wishes Joke

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

 

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

 

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

 

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

 

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office immediately after lunch."

 

 

The Funny Tale Of The Lemon Squeezer
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to any patron willing to accept the bet. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, et al.), but nobody could do it.

 

One day a scrawny little accountant came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. In a tiny, squeaky voice he said, "I'd like to try the bet."

 

After the laughter died down, the bartender said, "OK," he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

 

The man replied, "I work for the Yeshiva on Sixteenth."

 

 

Lawyer Humor
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer."

 

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."

 

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

 

The next day he calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

 

The guy says, "It gives me such pleasure to hear you say that."

 

 

A Lawyer Who Is A Joke

Curious about XYZ's great success, other attorneys paid a priviate eye to have him followed. The private eye carefully followed Mr. XYZ as he drove to a community about fifty miles away.

 

Upon arriving in the community Mr. XYZ drives right up to this small town post office, walks in and purchases "love stamps," then begins placing them on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

 

The curiosity of the private eye is getting the better of him, he goes up to Mr. XYZ and asks, "What are you doing?"

 

Mr. XYZ responds, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

 

"But why?" asks the man.

 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," Mr. XYZ replies.

 

 

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