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Jewish Humor
The Commandments Joke
G-d goes to Italy & asks the citizenry, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"
The Italians respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."
When G-d says, "Thou shall not kill," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
G-d goes to Spain & asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"
The Spaniards respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."
When G-d says, "Thou shall not steal," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
G-d goes to France & asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"
The French respond, "Give us a sample of what they contain."
When G-d says, "Thou shall not commit adultery," they say, "Sorry - can't handle that, so we'll pass."
G-d goes to to the Jews & asks, "Would you like to receive my Commandments?"
The Jews respond, "How much do they cost?"
When G-d answers, "They're free of charge,"
The Jews say, "Fine, we'll take ten."
A Funny Tale Of A Loyal Citizen
Moishe is being indoctrinated by the Russian government:
Govt. Official: "If you had a yacht, what would you do with it?"
Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."
Govt. Official: "And if you had a palace, what would you do with it?"
Moishe: "Give it to Mother Russia."
Govt. Official: "And if you had a sweater, what would you do with it?"
No reply.
Government official asks the question again.
And still not reply.
Finally he shouts: "Moishe, why don't you reply?"
Moishe: "Because I have a sweater."
A Humorous Tale Of A Visit To Heaven
Three men were standing in line to get into Heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Malach Gavriel (Angel Gabriel) had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies, "Well, for awhile I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and tried to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Malach Gavriel, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Malach Gavriel explains to him about Heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Malach Gavriel had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Malach Gavriel explained that Heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
The Humor Of Real Kashrus
A dialogue while Moshe is at the top of Mt. Sinai....
G-d: "And remember Moshe, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's
milk. It is cruel."
Moshe: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together."
G-d: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk."
Moshe: "Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six
hours after eating meat to eat milk products so the two are not in our stomachs."
G-d: "No, Moshe, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!"
Moshe: "Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should
have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we
have to bury that dish outside...."
G-d: "Good lord, Moshe, do whatever the hell you want!!!......."
The Humorous Tale Of The Matchmaker & The Student
A shaddchan (matchmaker) corners a yeshiva bochur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you!".

"Not interested", replies the bochur.
"But she's beautiful!", says the shaddchan
"Yeah?" says the bochur.
"Yes. And she's very rich too."
"And she has great yichus (ancestry)! From a very fine family."
"Sounds great." says the bochur. "But why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shaddchan "Well, you can't have everything!"
A Good Laugh On A Train To Moscow
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Goldsteins and the Greenbergs. The Goldsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Greenbergs. But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University. At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?" "Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious."

A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordion player, pushke..."


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Jewish Personal Ad Jokes
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Free Parking Joke
A Chassidic Jew walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer. He explains that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $2,000.
The bank officer says, "We will need some kind of security for such a loan."
The Chassid hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in front of the bank. The Bank does a registration check with NYDIV. Everything checks out. The Officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
While the Chassid is away the Bank realizes their client is a multimillionaire. So several weeks later when the Chassid returns, repays the $2,000 and the interest which comes to $5.41, the loan officer questions, "Why would you bother to borrow $2,000? You are very wealthy."
The Chassid replies, "Parking. Where can you park in midtown Manhattan for two weeks for only five dollars plus change?"

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