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Jewish Humor
Joke Of The Lost & Found Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it. Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the community Rav.
Both men present their case. The poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust you believe me."
The rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi take the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?!" the rich man yells angrily.
The rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that you're missing wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred fifty dollars in it!"
Funny Tale Of Outer Space Judaism
In a stunning development, we have just learned that there is life on Mars -- but not the kind you would expect.
The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky terrain of the Red Planet that read, "Welcome To The Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach Now." The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists back in Houston, who had no idea what it meant.
Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch chassidim, known for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions, urging them to perform mitzvot.

"We've been here for some time doing our work," said a cheerful Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, captain of the spaceship "Enterprise 770", in an exclusive phone interview. When asked how long he had been on Mars and how he got there, he commented, "Where there's a will, there's a way." He then excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking for a minyan.
In a subsequent phone call, the rabbi noted that in recent days Yeshiva HaShamayim recently opened its doors offering higher levels of interplanetary learning. In his conversation he expressed concern over the recent purchase of the red rocks across the street by the reform congregation for their new modern sanctuary. Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly with the chief rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars. "So we did," said Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list."
A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on earth, and we're always looking for new venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish Appeal-Interplanetary Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite in search of potential donors.
Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that highly motivated fundraisers have been active throughout the galaxy for several light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said. "The trouble is we haven't found anyone out there to save!"
That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the Anti-Defamation League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as anti-Semitism.
All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has already received several calls from anonymous rabbium inquiring as to whether there were any Pell grants available on Mars.
Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Springs and Hawaii for jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal seders, to be called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura matzoh for the eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said, "and, I assure you, very tastefully done."
In addition to that, several rabbium of the interplanetary rabbinical counsel were overheard discussing the formation of a committee called Rice (Require Interplanetary Congregation Equality). The committee's first goal was to attract at least one Chinese restaurant to Mars before the Orthodox deli opens in the fall. Tourism might be affected adversely, though, by a late report that Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars, asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced back to the Koran.
Religious Fundraising Humor
A Catholic priest, a Protestant reverend and a rabbi were sitting together on a jet. They were discussing how they separate their own money from what they give to G-d.
The Priest said, "I stand in a circle, put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what lands in the circle I give to G-d."
The reverend said, "I put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what lands back in the hat I give to G-d."

So the rabbi said, "I put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what
stays in the air I give to G-d."
Humorous Tale Of A Religious Accident
A rabbi and a priest are driving separate autos on a mountain road during a very bad snow storm. The priest is driving down the mountain. The rabbi is driving up the mountain. They meet on a narrow curve in the road. Their autos crash. The priest's auto goes down over the hillside and smacks into a large pine tree. The rabbi's auto crashes into the side of the mountain. Both autos are seriously damaged.
The rabbi is not hurt. He climbs out of his tangled mess runs down the hillside to find the priest slumped over the steering wheel. The rabbi says, "Father, are you hurt? Are you all right?"
The priest regains consciousness and responds, "I'm O.K."
The rabbi asks, "Would you like a small shot of whiskey?"
The priest responds, "That would be nice."
The rabbi hurries up the hill, goes to the glove box of his auto, takes out a small silver flask of whiskey and then returns to the priest. He offers him a drink. The priest takes one generous swig then hands the bottle to the rabbi who says, "Please take one more. You're in such pain."
The priest obliges. Then after the second drink the priest offers the flask to the rabbi again who declines, insisting there isn't much and he should take one more drink. After the third drink the priest asks the rabbi, "Aren't you going to have a drink with me?"
The rabbi takes the flask, immediately puts the cap on it, and hands it back to the priest and responds, "I'll have a drink after the police arrive."
A Good Laugh On Feasting & Fasting
With the holidays approaching, you may be looking forward to the feast - but you can't forget the fasts or your waist line will remind you. . . it all balances in the end.
Rosh Hashanah -- Feast
Tzom Gedalia -- Fast
Yom Kippur -- More fasting
Sukkot -- Feast
Hoshanah Rabbah -- More feasting
Simchat Torah -- Keep feasting
Month of Heshvan -- No feasts or fasts for a whole month. Get a grip on yourself.
Hanukkah -- Eat potato pancakes
Tenth of Tevet -- Do not eat potato pancakes
Tu B'Shevat -- Feast
Fast of Esther -- Fast
Purim -- Eat pastry
Passover -- Do not eat pastry
Shavuot -- Dairy feast (cheesecake, blintzes, etc.)
Seventeenth of Tammuz -- Fast (definitely no cheesecake or blintzes)
Tish B'Av -- Very strict fast (don't even think about cheesecake or blintzes)
Month of Elul -- End of cycle. Enroll in Center for Eating Disorders before High Holidays arrive again.
Joke Of Mayor & Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him."

The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
Funny Tale Of Chinese Jews
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know, sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, we have no Chinese Jews but we have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever heard of Chinese Jews!"
A Bit Of Humor
A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section.
The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"That's it."
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."
A One Dollar Bill Tells A Humorous Tale
A one dollar bill met his old friend the 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."
The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"
The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, contribution to Shul pushke, contribution to church, contribution to 15th Street beggar, pushke, 17th Ave accordian player, pushke..."
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Airliner Laugh
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We have an emergency! We have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."

No answer.
A short while later things get worse, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel."

Again, no answer from anyone.
A little later the pilot in desperation says, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel.

Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mideast, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."
"G-d bless you," said the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."
Florida Vacation Joke
A New York Yid left the snowy city for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip in Atlanta and was planning to join him in Florida the next day. When Yaakov reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly Rebbitzin whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving Rebbitzin checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S.: Sure is hot down here.
Funny Tale Of The Sutan
One morning during prayer services a loud BOOM and a sudden flash of smoke appeared in the front of our congregation. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw this frightening figure in red complete with horns, pitchfork and tail and a Jewish Yarmulke.
Immediately, the congregation panicked. People rushed to the back of the synagogue trying to get away. The Sutan watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the sight of one man still relaxing comfortably in the third row right side in his pew.
Angrily the sutan thundered, "Do you not know who I am?"
Morris replied in a nonchalant way, "Sure I do."
The sutan was extremely puzzled. "Do you not fear me?"
"Nope! Not at all!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
Morris snorted, "What for? I been married to your sister for 35 years!"
Post Office Humor
A Rebbe arrived in a small town to raise funds for his Yeshiva. He was scheduled to speak on Shabbos at the local shul the next day.
He needed to mail a letter back home to his Yeshiva with the collections he received to help pay the bills. As he walked down the street he saw several children playing together. They were Jewish so he asked the little boy, "What's your name?"
He responded, " Michael"
Then the Rebbe asked, "Michael, where is the post office?"
Michael said, "Three blocks down on your left side with the huge flagpole in the front."
The Rebbe thought, What a smart child, as he thanked him adding, "Tomorrow I'll be speaking at the neighborhood shul. My Drosh will be about making Gan Eden your home. I hope to see you and your family."
Michael responded, "I don't think so, Rebbe, you don't even know your way to the post office."
Kids Make The Darndest Jokes About The Bible (Authentic)
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took
the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Funny Tale Of A Million A Second
Shlomo was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to G-d. He felt so close to G-d that he felt if he spoke G-d would listen. So he asked, "G-d, are you listening?"
And G-d replied, "Yes!"
Shlomo stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "G-d, what is a million years to you?" G-d replied, "Shlomo, a second to me is like a million years to you."
So Shlomo continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said, "G-d, what is a million dollars to you?"
And G-d replied, "Shlomo a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."
Shlomo looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "G-d, can I have a million dollars?"
G-d replied, "In a second."
Humorous Tale Of Rabbi On The Run
A rabbi is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the rabbi moves closer to the boy's position and calls out to him, "Would you like some assistance?"
The little boy responds "NO!"
The rabbi continues to watch as he crosses the street and walks up behind the little fellow. He places his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the rabbi smiles benevolently and asks, "Is there anything else I can help you with, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Yes, run like hell!"
School Prayer Joke
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Humorous Tale Of Three Chairs
The Orthodox Rav meets three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers begin they show up. All the seats are filled.
Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man, "Yaakov, please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leans closer and says, "I beg your pardon, Rav?"
The Rav repeats his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the Rav.
Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give three cheers for my Reform friends in the back!'"
The Funny Tale Of The Diamond Curse
Rivkah is flying out to meet her possible berschert. The man of her dreams, Yaakov. While in flight she falls asleep and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring Yaakov will give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein across the aisle. Rivkah says, "I've never seen anything like it. It's the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering...
My, that's some diamond you've got there."
Mrs. Goldstein sighs and says, "I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It's the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse."
'"It does?" Rivkah replies as she moves to the edge of her seat. "So what's the curse?"

Mrs. Goldstein sighs again and says, "Mister Goldstein!"
The Funny Tale Of The Jewish Knight
When Rabbi Gold was knighted by the Queen, as part of the knighting ceremony, he had to kneel before the Queen. And as we all know, Jews do not bow before anyone except Hashem. On top of that, he was told to recite a paragraph from the Christian liturgy during the actual knighting. The rabbi was in a quandary, as this was being televised, but he could NOT violate the Jewish laws.

The five honorees were lined up waiting for the Queen to receive them. As her royal highness entered the room all kneeled, except for Rabbi Gold. The Queen noticed this, but diplomatically ignored it. Then, the Queen began knighting each person. When she came to Rabbi Gold who still wasn't kneeling, she looked at him expectantly. Realizing she was waiting for the Latin recitation, he began to sweat and shake with nervousness. Then, in a fit of utter desperation, he said the first thing that came to mind, "Ma nish tana halilah hazeh!"
The Queen, perplexed, turned to the Prince and asked, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"...
Joke On How Lost We Are
Morris and Esther, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."
A few minutes later the plane lands safely, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?"
"No Morris!" she responded.
Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?"
"Oh no, I forgot to send the check!!"
Now Morris laughs.
Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about?"
Morris responds, "They'll find us!!"
Another Priest And Rabbi Accident Joke
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident. It seems the priest was going at a rapid rate and smashed into the rabbi. Along comes a cop, looks and says in his Irish brogue, "Now Father, tell me... How fast was the rabbi backing up when he hit you?"
Avram's Funny Answer
Mr. Henry, the math teacher, enters the classroom. The students are playing around after the bell. They are not in their seats. Mr. Henry decides to teach them a lesson.
He calls, "Ivan, name a two-digit number."
Ivan responds, "56."
Mr. Henry, "Why not 65?! Sit down, you have a D-. Peter, name a two-digit number."
Peter responds, "18."
Mr. Henery responds, "Why not 81? A D- for you, too. Abram, name a two-digit number."
Avram responds "33."
Mr. Henery replies, "Why not.... Avram! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"

The Genius Joke
What's a genius?
An average student with a Jewish mother.

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